why? just someone tell me why?

 i have dealt with a lot of goofy things during my life. goofy things just happen to me. many of them involve animals.....NOT my favorite. i like animals....from a distance. i like to eat them. i like to see them in their natural habitat or even in a zoo. i was always afraid of dogs when i was little. once, a dog came over by our family and i climbed a tree about 10 feet up to get away from it. i used to sit on the top of my aunt's couch so her basset hound couldn't attack me. (please note that this dog was as old as dirt and couldn't even lift it's front paws high enough to rest them on the couch cushions.) but i was convinced that when i came over it would suddenly gain super powers and turn into a rottweiler. 

one time, during a summer baby sitting job, a bird got into the family's house. thankfully, my mom had come over to help watch the kids while i went to basketball practice so she dealt with the worst of that. my dad had a parrot that used to get loose from it's cage all the time and poop on my doll house. i hated that stupid bird. moses. i wasn't sad when moses made his exodus from our house. 

when i was baby sitting a couple of summers ago, a bird got in my house. that was interesting. one day i came home from shopping with my mom to find yet another bird in my house. and just a few weeks ago, some baby spiders hatched up in my bedroom. i'm pretty sure they came from the attic, but then they started venturing out into the wide open world via my bedroom. we were killing those puppies for about an hour. 

i'm fairly convinced at this point that the animal kingdom has my number. they all know where i live. they have been plotting against me for years. i'm not sure why. i don't remember purposely harming animals as a child. i never fried ants with a magnifying glass. i did go hunting and killed a squirrel once. maybe that will explain some of those wild stories. 

but this one takes the cake. 

it was just after nap time. i had cleaned up from lunch, but i left nathan's snack on the counter. nathan likes to mix peanut butter and syrup and dip saltines in it. it is the most revolting snack i've ever smelled. but since he hadn't finished it i decided to save it for him. i just left the bowl on the counter. this turned out to be a colossal mistake. megan was in the swing, and i went into connor's room to get him up. it was a really nice day so i had all the windows open. i love having the windows open. the breeze is so nice. of course, the warm breeze was wafting that ridiculous smell through the whole house..... and apparently, out to the monstrosity of a pine tree behind the neighbor's house. the tree that houses the most spazzy squirrel in the entire neighborhood. 

i got into connor's room and decided to wrestle him for a while. we were laughing and tickling and having a great old time. then i heard something that sounded like it was coming from the back yard. i thought it must have been a bird jumping on the old awning. nathan had pulled it out b/c he was going to take it to the scrap yard. for a split second i thought, "i should go check that out." but i was having so much fun with connor i just ignored it. so, i got connor up and took him to the bathroom. then i heard a loud crash. this really scared me so i ran out to the living room to check on megan. she was fine....so what was that noise....???? oh. my. word. 

THERE'S A SQUIRREL IN MY LIVING ROOM!!!!!!!!! 

a SQUIRREL. how in the world did a squirrel get in my house? oh, great. here we go again. well, i know the drill. job one: get the kids out of harms way. i grabbed megan out of the swing and ran back to the bathroom. i put her down on the floor and told connor we needed to get out of the house quickly, so he needed to get down from the potty and get his shorts back on. well, it would figure that he had just gotten up from nap so he was still in a pull up which ALWAYS gets stuck on his toes and takes some wiggling to get into. and it would also figure that he would be frantic at just the wrong time. 

i think it went a little something like this: 

me: connor, we have to get out of the house quickly, so i want you to pay attention to what you're doing and get your pull up back on. 

connor: why do we have to go quickly? 

me: connor, just do what i'm telling you and we'll talk about it later. 

connor: AAAAAHHHHH! what was that???? (i think he caught a glimpse of the fuzzy tailed rat). 

me: well, honey there's a crazy squirrel in our house so mommy has to get it out. 

connor: (in his scared frantic voice) why is there a  squirrel in our house??? 

me: i don't know, buddy. but i'm going to get it out so don't worry. 

connor: okaAAAAAAY!!! (i'm pretty sure he caught a glimpse of it that time.) 

me: so i'm going to take you and meg out and then i'll get the squirrel out, ok? 

connor: ok. will you hold me? 

me: (thinking "figures he wouldn't want to walk on his own. he's my 'fraidy cat kid.) yes, i'll hold you. now let's go. 

my first thought was to get the kids out and call nathan to get his butt home and help me. so i went to the living room doorway and looked in to see if the intruder was nearby. he was on our table. the table were we eat our food. and all i could think was, "oh, man i'm gonna have to bleach this whole house." my phone was on the table. there was no way i could get both kids out of the house and call nathan. i would have to put megan on the ground outside and leave connor frantically crying on the front lawn....i'm sure he would have fallen into hysterics if i had left him out there to go back in and grab my phone. so that idea was out. 

so i decided to put them in meg's room and just figure out how to get that beast out of my house. i put meg in her crib....crying. poor girl was so hungry, but i had to take care of that rat first. i told connor to sit in the rocker and stay put. i also instructed him not to yell at megan even though she was going to cry. not much good that did. i shut the door and stuffed a towel under the bottom so the squirrel couldn't get in if he got past me. 

then i went back to the battlefield...um... i mean the living room. that dumbo was on my couch. i figured if i could get out the door and go open screen by the table maybe he would jump out. but as long as he was on the couch, i wasn't about to go for the door. if i did that i knew he would feel trapped and inevitably i would end up with rabies. so i tried to scare it back toward the kitchen. i got him as far as the table so i bolted for the door. 

as i went toward the garage i passed my kitchen window. my kitchen sink sits on an angle facing out of two higher windows each taking up one corner of the wall. basically, making up a 90 degree angle of just windows.....it's one of my favorite parts of my house. the main reason  i wanted this house was b/c of the windows. they're fabulous. they're horrible windows as far as quality, but they are perfectly placed and i love opening them on breezy days. i neared the corner of the house and i could see a gaping hole in my screen. a squirrel sized hole. that idiot had clung to my window and chewed his way in to get the nasty peanut butter and syrup that i had most idiotically left on the counter on a warm breezy day. the smell of it was just wafting out to his tree all afternoon. for a split second i was so astounded i forgot about my mission. then i heard megan screaming and connor yelling, "megan, STOP crying!!" i went to the garage and grabbed a big piece of wood. i guess i thought if it wouldn't come out the open screen i could always beat it to death. 

i went to the big window by the table and forced the screen open with the wood. dumbo had already started chewing his way out of that screen, too. great now we have TWO windows to repair. i banged the wood on the screen hoping he would at least take notice....also hoping he hadn't gone up to our bedroom or  down to the basement. then we'd really be in trouble. thankfully, he was right near the table and jumped out quickly. would you believe he had the nerve to stand there and stare at me for a second? i was so taken aback i didn't react quick enough with my weapon of choice. by the time i started swinging at him he scampered off to the neighbor's yard. 

i went back in the house to see how the kids were. meg was still crying, but had calmed down a little. connor was still sitting in that chair. i had a flashback to my childhood days when i too thought that sitting in a chair was the magic way to fend off unwanted attention from creatures. but hey, he obeyed and stayed put. i told connor the house was FULL of squirrel germs and he was NOT to leave meg's room until i cleaned everything. i got him a favorite toy, fed meg and then went out to clean up the mess. i found my phone and called nathan. he laughed at me and told me, "welp, good luck with that." he got punched later. and then i went to work finding paw prints and poop all over. and now, thanks to that freak of nature squirrel, i'm afraid to keep my windows open on nice breezy days. first of all there are two windows with holes, so they're out of the question. and second, the other window is one that i KNOW houdini can climb onto b/c i've seen him dangling from the phone wire clinging to the screen then jumping down to the fence and scampering to his tree. before last friday i was simply amused by his antics. i never thought he would have the audacity to attempt chewing his way into my house! 

i tell this story for a number of reasons. first, b/c ...... it's funny. it's crazy. it's unbelievable. and it's true. second, b/c it falls right in line with the other stories of my life. and third, b/c i want you squirrel feeders to take note. listen up, chicas. if you think it's fun and cute to put out food for squirrels.....STOP IT!!!!! stop it! i'm telling you stop it! they are NOT your pets. they are NOT cute. they are wild animals. VERMIN. they are fuzzy tailed rats. every time you feed them, they think they can take advantage of human food, space, lifestyle. well, i don't want them in my food, i don't want them in my personal space, and they may NOT enjoy a human lifestyle. they are wild animals. do you hear me? 

as for mr. nutty...... i've got a little something up my sleeve. i don't think he'll be bothering us much longer.