gray matter

a smattering of thoughts lately. spring and summer have long brought memories of great times and good things. but the past few years have been sprinkled with more tears and fears than laughter. uncle arnie, aunt elaine, and gramma susie have now all passed. gramma has been with Jesus since march. it's a rare day that i don't have a fond memory of one of these three. the past three years have taught me that i am not as strong as i once pretended to be. God has graciously shown me my sinful self-dependence. He has also very gently shown me just how little i really know. i have often struggled with thoughts of, "well, sure! i already KNOW that." when in reality, i don't. i find myself consumed with talking to God and asking questions constantly. i fight doubts from the evil one daily. but i have faith... weak and sightless as it may be. i have faith that what God promised to finish in me HE will finish. i can't do it. but He promised to do it. and God always keeps His promises.

i am grateful that God hasn't squashed me like the bug that i am.

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i can change gears mid-post, right? ok, good. just wanted to make sure that was kosher.

my gramma brought great joy to my life. and not just b/c of her bacon. she was feisty, but she was tender. she was a self-proclaimed "spend thrift"... but somehow she only spent her money on us. she ALWAYS had candy, nuts, coke, and bacon....and the occasional pork chop. and if you dropped in unannounced you'd likely find her pouring over her sunday school lesson from the week. papers spread out... huge Bible wide open next to her on the middle cushion of the floral print couch.... for she sat on the right.

even though she was in her 90s, she wasn't the type to give up on living. she got her driver's license renewed just two or three days before she died. and boy did she drive... fast. trying to help her with family parties was an epic battle. it was only in the last few years that we managed to wrestle duties away from her. she was the cook. she was the baker. she was the host. and dang if you didn't acknowledge her role. everyone joked about her over cooked meat, but no one could beat her fried chicken. legendary. i for one like my chicken extra crispy, so i don't know what those ninnies were ever complaining about. my sister and i video taped her teaching us how to cook her epic thanksgiving feast staples. turkey, stuffing, giblet gravy. it's a video i will forever cherish.

many things make me smile when i think of gramma. her southern accent: i remember the first time she asked if i wanted something "het" up. it took me five minutes to understand that she meant "warmed". the way she said, "git ya".... git ya a coke... git ya some bacon... git ya a paper towel so you don't drip that ice cream. her cookies: connor still mentions how yummy gramma's cookies were. :) her generosity mixed with her stubbornness: leaving gramma's without money in your pocket was rare. "oh, thank you for picking up the trash you dropped on the floor. here's a $20." "you swept the floor? oh, here's a $20... go git you a happy meal." fighting it was next to useless. i got better at it as i got older, but she would literally chase me down the driveway and throw money after me. i finally started taking it with a kiss and then hiding in on her dresser just before i left. i can only imagine how steaming mad she would be after she found the money.

and i have visible reminders of her, too. gifts she gave me and my kids, and some pieces of her home that i was allowed to take as remembrance of her. some knick knacks, her canisters... which i am convinced have given my cooking magic powers, :) and every morning i drink coffee from a brown mug that was gramma's. (gramma's kitchen was one of my favorite places.... even at her old house i would watch her work effortlessly and then explore all her gadgets and goodies after the business of cooking was done.)

i could go on forever, but life for me and my family continues. and now i have those great memories to make me smile. someone said that the pain from loss is a good thing. it means there was something good worth losing. if there is pain, then there was joy. and i am glad that God gave me a good gramma to remember with fond memories.