i have started this entry 100 times in my head…. a lot of good that did me. i've been putting it off for over a month. lots of things have changed the shape of my feelings toward what i want to write, but nothing has changed the core of it. it's still the swirling spaghetti tornado… remember flint lockwood? i guess i've been troubled with the first line. setting the tone.

to steal from one of my favorite chick flicks "alex and emma"…. the first line sets the tone. it grabs the reader and pulls them into the story. call me ishmael. it was the best of times, it was the worst of times…. do you see why i can't begin? the giants that have gone before me….

in the short 30 years that i have resided on this planet, i have to admit i've had a pretty posh ride. for starters, being born in america is an undeniable blessing. being born healthy can only be credited to God. i've never been homeless or hungry. i've been around the world. and until recently, i've only been mildly affected by sickness and death.

i say mildly…. i guess that seems like the best way to describe my interactions with death thus far. my great-grampa sanders passed away when i was only just two. i have no memories of him… though i am told i was ADORED. who could resist me? :) my mom's parents have both passed. i wasn't as close to them near the end of their lives, and i suppose my sorrow for their loss was more sadness for my mom than for me. i hurt for her. similar, but not exactly the same was my loss of my great-gramma tally. i hurt for my papa, who lost his mother, more than i did myself.

then nathan lost his income. i've talked about that before, and God did many good things through that hard time. it was brutal in the midst of the storm, but looking back i'd say it was a blip on our radar. it was short. it didn't end us. God carried us through quickly.

during that time, one of my mom's brothers became very ill. cancer. i hate cancer. it happened so quickly, and then uncle arnie was just gone. i still can't wrap my head around the mysteries of death. i felt like i almost went into a state of depression. trying to understand. asking God, "what just happened here?" knowing deep in my heart that He has a plan. not being able to see past the dark storm clouds makes looking toward hope difficult. when you are in the middle of it, all you see is dark. i found it hard to remember that there will come an end to this storm. i still hurt for my aunt and my cousins. i think of them often. when i do, i am reminded to pray for them. they hurt more than i do.

and there's another special group of people that i saw weekly. every sunday growing up was sunday dinner. gramma sanders (my great-gramma) would cook a thanksgiving sized feast for our growing family. she did that for years… before i was ever around… and we've enjoyed a solid 25 years of the same. things change. people get older. we slowly started paring down our meetings. it was brutal at first, but it was for the best. that's a bit much to ask of a 92-year-old… don't you think? :)

then my uncle paul called me. "aunt elaine has cancer." that was a crushing blow. one of my dearest and closest aunts. she was sick for over three years. i never heard her complain. i never heard her question God's plan. she was CONFIDENT. not in herself. she would only ever give credit to God. it was because of His finished work. the story of easter isn't just a fairy tale. it's not just religious folk-lore. i believe that God sent Jesus into the world to live a perfect human life and pay for my sins… and that of the entire world… on the cross. when He rose from the grave He broke the power of death. He paid the price for all my sins. and aunt elaine believed that wholeheartedly.

it still hurts. i still don't understand it all. i still wonder and wonder what it must be like to finally see Jesus after trusting Him for all those years. it's hard to trust in something i can't control. it's hard to have faith filled eyes. looking forward to something i can't see. i can't touch. just trusting. but aunt elaine gracefully and peacefully faced death knowing that when she closed her eyes for the last time on earth she would open them to see Jesus. she trusted Him to carry her through it.

i know she found great strength in God's word. here are some verses she had shared with us on facebook that have since been a comfort to me as i have called out to God to give me peace and comfort.

Isaiah 26:3-4

³You keep him in perfect peace
whose mind is stayed on you,
because he trusts in you.
⁴Trust in the LORD forever,
for the LORD GOD is an everlasting rock.

2 Corinthians 12:9-10 And He has said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness". Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ's sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong.

Lamentations 3:22-23

The LORD'S lovingkindnesses indeed never cease, For His compassions never fail. 23They are new every morning; Great is Your faithfulness.

Philippians 4:6-7

⁶ do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. ⁷And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

i don't have all the answers. i have really struggled to understand faith in the past 6 months. but i am constantly brought back to the thought that i cannot understand God's ways. faith isn't understanding it all. it's believing it all. and living that out. and i can only do that through the help of the Holy Spirit. He is a true Comforter.

one of my favorite passages has always beenpsalm 73. and these verses from that psalm have been near to my heart lately:

³Nevertheless, I am continually with you;
you hold my right hand.
²⁴You guide me with your counsel,
and afterward you will receive me to glory.
²⁵ Whom have I in heaven but you?
And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you.
²⁶ My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

trust me…my flesh has failed. it's just made of dust. but knowing…and trusting… that God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever makes it a little easier to face these trials.

(sorry if the format looks odd. i was trying to add a picture and it messed up the whole thing. seems sort of ok now, but i'm not sure how it looks to you. )